After losing Aurelia, I decided to create a new instgram page and blog, not because this new experience didn’t fit in with the realms of my existing page, not at all. At the time, I wanted people to make their own decision about whether or not they wanted to invest themselves into my new world, my new path and the new me. I suppose there was part of me that didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, because it was such a catastrophic life experience to endure, I was worried about how my words might make others feel. Now I’m annoyed at myself for even thinking that way, because this did happen to me, and sadly stillbirth and neonatal death is a reality of life, and it’s a reality of my life.
There is a deafening silence that surrounds this topic, which now makes me so angry. I didn’t really know much about stillbirth or neonatal death before it happened to me, because no one bloody talks about it. It’s so taboo, so unspoken about, but it shouldn’t be. With any new chapter of life, it’s so important to be aware of all eventualities, not because we should be preparing for the worst, but so we have a level of understanding. When I was thrown into this world, I didn’t know how possible stillbirth was and the sheer depth of the shock made everything worse. I also wouldn’t have known how to support someone going through it, because I simply didn’t have a clue what life after loss looked like.
In my quest to know more, I’ve come across many women who are on such different journeys, who are experiencing terrible things which I didn’t even know could happen! Yes it’s scary, but I’m learning, I’m learning so much and every new person I come across, every new story I’m told, I feel in some way it’s turning me into a richer and better person.
We live in an era where perfection is popular, but the rawness of reality isn’t pretty enough for the squares of the gram. Right now, my posts and my blog, they are in their rawest form, because that’s where I am in life. I’m covered head to toe in tiny shards of glass and it’s excruciating carrying on with life, but what choice do I have? I’m going through it, and I’m choosing to share my life for many reasons.
Writing is undoubtedly a form of therapy for me, it’s helping me to process what’s happened and heal my soul. It’s also allowing me to create a little legacy for Aurelia, not just to honour her being born and making me a mother of two, but to create a shift in society. I speak to women daily that live in the same world as me, that have experienced first hand what it’s like to carry and birth a baby that you never got to bring home, and I hope these conversations have helped them as much as they have me, and it’s a huge reason why I started writing. But what has amazed me the most, is the many people, men and women, that have contacted me who have never experienced stillbirth or baby-loss. They have taken the time to thank me for my honesty and for sharing my story. This is when I feel I have achieved something, and that Aurelia’s purpose is being defined. There are now more people in the world that know what to say, that are less afraid to talk about this topic, and that in turn is breaking down the barriers and screaming the silence away.
I’ve been told that people have stopped following my page because the reality of my stillbirth experience is too much for them to handle, (I didn’t actually need to know this, I could have been silently unfollowed and been none the wiser) but it’s okay, because I’m rather thick skinned now 😉 and to be honest I think I’m more sad for them. The squares of my page, the words of my blog, they might seem scary, but the truth is, they’re just real. As real and scary as cancer, as suicide, as being a drug addict, an alcoholic, as real as anything else in this world. If we don’t share the stories of our life, how do we educate one another? How do we equip each other to talk about or support each other through the things that we don’t directly experience ourselves. The answer is quite simply that we can’t, and so I will continue to talk, I will continue to write, and I will continue to always try and make a difference.
Right now my grief is like a tennis ball in a jam jar, it’s all encompassing, and there’s no room for it to move around. Over time, as the days pass by, as I experience other things, good and bad, my jam jar will evolve into a vase. And the grief of losing my daughter? That doesn’t change in size, it doesn’t diminish with time, it simply has more space to manoeuvre around my life. As the space presents itself, I will post about the other aspects of my life that fill it, because that will form part of my new life, and the new me. But Aurelia made me a mum of two and she will always be part of my family, she will always feature in my life, and therefore on my feed, as Virràe does. Yes, everything about this feels broken, but beauty has never needed to be perfect, for it’s in the eye of the beholder.
I’m not in this for the followers, I couldn’t give a shit about that, I’m in this to help, me and others, to raise awareness, to educate, and to move a mountain or two. I’m not just a big morbid mess, I’m much more than that. But yes I am the one in four, because I’ve been reminded of that too *eye roll*, and this is my journey.
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